|
'I had a book myself once.
Never read it. It was blue. I don't suppose you have a copy?' 'Do
you sell books?' 'Are
you a Bibliofile?' 'It
smells very bookie in here!' 'It
must be lovely to sit here all day doing nothing.' 'By,
you must be so clever, working here, having read all these.' 'I
like the Saturday Book. They're always so nicely produced, nice books to
feel.' 'Come
on, it's only books.' 'Gosh
this place is tidy! What's the matter?' 'I
must come back when I've got my glasses with me.' 'It's
by that woman with the funny name...' 'How
much do you pay for books?' 'This
book was rather a waste of a tree,wasn't it?' 'Oh,
thank goodness you're open. I've been trying to get into this shop for two years.' ''Don't
touch the books!'
Fresh
Droppings - recent
absurd remarks made by customers and of course,
bookshop owners. You can add your droppings here.
A man walks
into a bookshop and observes an author doing a book signing. With
the author’s book in her hand a woman walks up to the author and
speaks to her. The author opens the front cover of the book and
writes the dedication “To Emma Chissit”. But, the woman was only
asking the price of the book.
(Keith)
Whilst trading
on an outdoor market a lady asked "have you anything by Clint
Eastwood?" ... "erm I don't think we have, not sure he's wrote
many books." "Books" she shouts "Books ... I thought they were
video's" Why me I thought.
(R & L Baines)
Young lad
excitedly tugging at his mother's arm: Look.... look ...They've
got a copy of Oliver Twit!"
( Ricardo Coche.)
At a jumble
sale, I found the Complete Works of Shakespeare for about 50p.
Thinking this a bargain buy, I hand over my money to a very enthusiastic
lady who promptly takes the book from me, flicks through it once
and hands it back with a nod. 'The Penguin, by Shakespeare!' she
exclaims, rattling her money tin as I try to figure out what she'd
talking about. 'Good choice!' Maybe she just really likes that
publisher...
(Sarah, confused-but-amused bargain hunter.)
Customer:
Blocking access to shelves for other browsers "of course I don't
read you know".
Me: Reply unsaid and unprintable.
(Evergreen Livres Bookshop)
Melbourne,
Australia: Grumpy old Scot: "have ye any Rrrabbie Burrrns?" Assistant
(young lady from Sri lanka) "Who?" (repeat several times while
old Scot becomes redder and louder. Eventually the light dawns.)
"Sorry, we have no rubber bands, but I have some paperclips if
that will help."
(Paul Perry)
Customer:
I stopped once before and you're never open!
(Petrilla)
Customer:
Well, I think our pizza's ready by now.
(Bob)
Customer,
irate at being told of the fees for our search service: "Well,
HELL! You sound more like a BUSINESS than a BOOKSTORE!"
(satnrose)
I was a rep
for Victor Gollancz back in the 70s and 80s and we published the
first volume of a biography of Ivy Compton-Burnett entitled "Ivy
When Young." After publication I went into one particular branch
of W.H.Smith knowing that they had subscribed to 3 copies. I couldn't
find it on the shelves and I asked the buyer if they had sold
out. "No" came the reply and she took me to the section where
the 3 copies were proudly sitting. Gardening.
(Ralph Spurrier, Post Mortem Books)
Customer:
Some of these books are really old, you should check, they might
be worth something.
(Astley Book Farm)
Overheard
in a London bookshop 'You'll find a severed head amongst the old
Penguins' .... (with ref to an enquiry with regards Iris Murdoch
novels, but making no sense to the customer whatsoever ...)
(Sam)
Customer:
Are these the stairs?
Me: Yes.
Customer: Do they go up or down?
(I Dewis)
Bookseller:
Whilst selling a copy of Our Mutual Friend I said 'That is the
one about a rubbish heap, isn't it?'. Cutomer: (looking
puzzled) Rubber Sheep?
(Beckside Books)
Regular excuses
for leaving emptyhanded:
' I will have to come back another time' [at least 3 times a week.
''I have left my glasses behind.' [After staying open beyond closing
time]
'Thank you - I was just passing the time while my wife was in
the dentist/beauticians/hairdressers.....'
' What intersting books you have here.'
( Castle Hill Books)
Customer
: Do you know you can go and buy books in Hay on Wye?
Bookseller (through gitted teeth): yes, Madam, sometimes
we do.
Customer: Oh well I think I will too, and leaves!
(Castle Hill Books)
Customer:
I'm can't remember the exact title of the book but it has the
title of one book with something else attached to the end of it
and it's by quite a well know author!
Assistant: Howard's End is on the Landing by Susan Hill?
Customer: Fansastic I knew you'd get it - are you any good
at cryptic crosswords!
(Bailey Hill Bookshop)
Him:
Why do you sell books and stuff when computors are so much better.
Me: I know, it is sad I suppose, It must be because I cannot
stop believing in the power of books to change peoples lives for
the good.
He replied: 'Did your wife leave you too'? And then started
crying. I am still recovering as I was lying, It was most certainly
for the money and I feel so guilty.
(Michael Barlow)
As a bookseller
in Camden Town selling to the Anti-establishment from '68 to '01
you can imagine the glee with which we put up on our noticeboard
an order from the Metropolitan Police for: 2 copies of 'Using
Your Brain For A Change'.
(Compendium)
I overheard
the following in a branch of WHSmiths once: 'I'm looking for an
out-of-print book. Do you have any stock?
(ph2smout)
Post middle-aged
female customer completely floored me with 'Do you sell reading
books?'. Err, yes, the books have pages and text and . . .
(Chris Mawson, Eye Bookshop)
Customer:
I'm looking for a book. It's about a talking dog and his adventures.
Clerk: Do you know what type of book it is?
Customer: Non-fiction!
Clerk: ...
(Fifth Avenue Books)
Overheard
at the till in Waterstones. Young girl to her mother: But I don't
want that book! Mother (impatiently): Why not? It's got a pink
cover.
(Jane H.)
Misheard when
waiting in line to pay for a book: Do you have Acrostics For Dogs?
Unlike myself,the bookseller correctly interpreted his customer
to be in need of 'Dogs and Puppies in Cross-Stitch'.
( Bud Myte)
Customer:
Hello, I'm looking for a book about Caruso.
Me: Ah yes, the opera singer - here we have a 1st edition
hardback biography.
Customer (confused): No you idiot, Robinson Crusoe!
(The Teignmouth Bookshop)
As a librarian
I have had more than my fair share of odd requests. A patrons
once asked if we had 'The True History of the James Gang' by Peter
Kelly. He said it was new and he'd heard about it on the radio.
Something twigged and I found hime 'The True History of the Kelly
Gang' by Peter Carey. He said that wasn't it. A few days later
he came in to triumphantly show me the copy he's purchased - of
the Peter Carey book - with a different cover.
(WK Morris)
I once asked
a bookshop assistant if she had any plays by Ben Jonson. 'No,'
she replied. 'But we have his Life of Boswell.'
( Michael Bath)
The Monty
Python sketch you quote on this website reminds me of an incident
I saw in a London bookshop in 1960, soon after the Lady Chatterley
trial. An elderly man in a bowler hat and waving an umbrella was
saying, at the top of his voice: 'It's not Lady Chatterley's Lover,
it's called Lady Chatterley's Chatter!' He went on like this for
some time to the evident embarrassment of the shop assistant who
tried to persuade him he was wrong. A few months ago, browsing
in a second-hand bookshop, as you do, I did indeed see, for the
first time, a book called 'Lady Chatterley's Chatter'. (I didn't
buy it.)
( Michael Bath)
English expat
bookshop in Germany. German man walks in looks around for well
over half an hour and then exclaims that all the books are in
English. I remain silent!
(St.G's - Berlin)
I have been
asked several times over the last 5 years by customers if they
can swap there book for another of the shelf, i.e. straight swap.
Ireply that is only possible if you have a library card from us,
they reply they don't, I reply; THAT IS BECAUSE WE ARE A BOOKSHOP
AND NOT A LIBRARY!
(St.G's - Berlin)
Woman phones
me today and says 'Do you have a book?' and I say 'Which one?'
and she says 'Never mind. You don't sound happy. Goodbye.' I guess
it takes all kinds,eh?
(Karl Armens)
Father has
just bought a book. His teenage daughter asks, 'What's in it?'
as she opens it. Her father replies, 'Those are words, sweetheart.'
(Cormelian)
One
mourning I arose and looking out at the front of the book shop where people just
drop books off at night. (This happens all the time.) I was surprised to see a
bookcase. Low and behold the bookcase was full of books!
(tmb@bookbarn) Heard
several times over the years from people who have come in to ask do I buy books,
or just to accompany someone else who is buying: 'I'm not going to look - I might
find something I want.'
(Warrington Book Loft) Customer
asks 'Have you any Catherine Cookson?' I inwardly jump in delight - haven't sold
one in 3 years, & show her mountains of them. Customer reappears in about 5 minutes,
to tell me: 'Thank you. I've read them all really - I just like looking at them
....'
(Warrington Book Loft) From
a nameless bookseller, on realising that I wasn't a 'collector', said in somewhat
contemptuous tone: 'oh, it's for reading, is it?'
(Steve Whalley) American
tourist to bookseller: 'do you have anything by Sherlock Holmes?'
(Steve Whalley) I
was once asked 'Do you have the complete works of Robert Burns but I don't know
who it's by'.
(Mandy @ Blackwell's York)
A
lady walked into our shop and asked if we had any books by Willa Catheter. My
mother-in-law replied, 'Why yes we do, you'll find them in the medical section!'
[I'm sure you realize that she was asking for Willa Cather!]
(Pam) Customer:
'How much will you charge me to tell me that my book is old?'
(Pam) A
lady rushed in my shop looking in every corner, by way of explanation she said
'I am looking for a husband'. Another lady customer commented 'arent we all dear?'
(Tim Smith Books) Customer:
(Enters during 15-block-wide power outage following a cyclone that destroyed several
buildings on the block.) 'Do you have science fiction?'
Seller:
'Yes, but it's downstairs. I can bring things up for you, or you can take
a flashlight.'
Customer: 'Oo, I'll take the flashlight.'
(Several minutes later, he emerges with a pile of volumes by William Gibson et
al.) 'Do you take credit cards?'
(The Haunted Bookshop) 'May
I spend the night?' [more than once]
'Is this like a free library or something,
can we just take the books we like?'
'Have you read all these books?'
'I
don't know what the book is about, or who wrote it or anything, but I had it in
second grade, and it had a picture of a duck on the front, do you have some copies
of it?'
'I have a very rare book, Ihad it in biology in high school in the
Eighties, and it's a real antique, I think I can sell it on eBay for more than
$50.'
(Bookmark) Customer:
'How much are the free books outside?'
(Magpie Books)
Witnessed
at an old established second hand market bookstall: small child
grasps a book and shows it to Mummy, who roughly takes it off
child and puts it back on shelf, saying 'Come on, we'll get you
something useful like a dolly'.
(Amused but despairing librarian)
more
droppings
Time
may have moved on but the book trade and its customers remain
as idiosyncratic as ever, and if our experiences at INPRINT
are anything to go by, the remarks are just as amusing and worthy
of recording. So, if you have any 'droppings' you would like to
share, send them off to us in the form below and we will publish
them on site.
|