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'I had a book myself once.
Never read it. It was blue. I don't suppose you have a copy?' 'Do
you sell books?' 'Are
you a Bibliofile?' 'It
smells very bookie in here!' 'It
must be lovely to sit here all day doing nothing.' 'By,
you must be so clever, working here, having read all these.' 'I
like the Saturday Book. They're always so nicely produced, nice books to
feel.' 'Come
on, it's only books.' "Gosh
this place is tidy! What's the matter?" 'I
must come back when I've got my glasses with me.' 'It's
by that woman with the funny name...' 'How
much do you pay for books?' 'This
book was rather a waste of a tree,wasn't it?' 'Oh,
thank goodness you're open. I've been trying to get into this shop for two years.' ''Don't
touch the books!'
Fresh
Droppings - recent
absurd remarks made by customers and of course,
bookshop owners. You can add your droppings here.
Overheard
at the till in Waterstones. Young girl to her mother: But I don't
want that book! Mother (impatiently): Why not? It's got a pink
cover. (Jane H.)
Misheard when
waiting in line to pay for a book: Do you have Acrostics For Dogs?
Unlike myself,the bookseller correctly interpreted his customer
to be in need of 'Dogs and Puppies in Cross-Stitch'.
( Bud Myte)
Customer:
Hello, I'm looking for a book about Caruso.
Me: Ah yes, the opera singer - here we have a 1st edition
hardback biography.
Customer (confused): No you idiot, Robinson Crusoe!
(The Teignmouth Bookshop)
As a librarian
I have had more than my fair share of odd requests. A patrons
once asked if we had "The True History of the James Gang" by Peter
Kelly. He said it was new and he'd heard about it on the radio.
Something twigged and I found hime "The True History of the Kelly
Gang" by Peter Carey. He said that wasn't it. A few days later
he came in to triumphantly show me the copy he's purchased - of
the Peter Carey book - with a different cover.
(WK Morris)
I once asked
a bookshop assistant if she had any plays by Ben Jonson. "No,"
she replied. "But we have his Life of Boswell."
( Michael Bath)
The Monty
Python sketch you quote on this website reminds me of an incident
I saw in a London bookshop in 1960, soon after the Lady Chatterley
trial. An elderly man in a bowler hat and waving an umbrella was
saying, at the top of his voice: "It's not Lady Chatterley's Lover,
it's called Lady Chatterley's Chatter!" He went on like this for
some time to the evident embarrassment of the shop assistant who
tried to persuade him he was wrong. A few months ago, browsing
in a second-hand bookshop, as you do, I did indeed see, for the
first time, a book called "Lady Chatterley's Chatter". (I didn't
buy it.)
( Michael Bath)
English expat
bookshop in Germany. German man walks in looks around for well
over half an hour and then exclaims that all the books are in
English. I remain silent!
(St.G's - Berlin)
I have been
asked several times over the last 5 years by customers if they
can swap there book for another of the shelf, i.e. straight swap.
Ireply that is only possible if you have a library card from us,
they reply they don't, I reply; THAT IS BECAUSE WE ARE A BOOKSHOP
AND NOT A LIBRARY!
(St.G's - Berlin)
Woman phones
me today and says "Do you have a book?" and I say "Which one?"
and she says "Never mind. You don't sound happy. Goodbye." I guess
it takes all kinds,eh?
(Karl Armens)
Father has
just bought a book. His teenage daughter asks, "What's in it?"
as she opens it. Her father replies, "Those are words, sweetheart."
(Cormelian)
One
mourning I arose and looking out at the front of the book shop where people just
drop books off at night. (This happens all the time.) I was surprised to see a
bookcase. Low and behold the bookcase was full of books!
(tmb@bookbarn) Heard
several times over the years from people who have come in to ask do I buy books,
or just to accompany someone else who is buying: "I'm not going to look - I might
find something I want."
(Warrington Book Loft) Customer
asks "Have you any Catherine Cookson?" I inwardly jump in delight - haven't sold
one in 3 years, & show her mountains of them. Customer reappears in about 5 minutes,
to tell me: "Thank you. I've read them all really - I just like looking at them
...."
(Warrington Book Loft) From
a nameless bookseller, on realising that I wasn't a 'collector', said in somewhat
contemptuous tone: "oh, it's for reading, is it?"
(Steve Whalley) American
tourist to bookseller: "do you have anything by Sherlock Holmes?"
(Steve Whalley) I
was once asked 'Do you have the complete works of Robert Burns but I don't know
who it's by'.
(Mandy @ Blackwell's York)
A
lady walked into our shop and asked if we had any books by Willa Catheter. My
mother-in-law replied, "Why yes we do, you'll find them in the medical section!"
[I'm sure you realize that she was asking for Willa Cather!]
(Pam) Customer:
"How much will you charge me to tell me that my book is old?"
(Pam) A
lady rushed in my shop looking in every corner, by way of explanation she said
"I am looking for a husband". Another lady customer commented "arent we all dear?"
(Tim Smith Books) Customer:
(Enters during 15-block-wide power outage following a cyclone that destroyed several
buildings on the block.) "Do you have science fiction?"
Seller:
"Yes, but it's downstairs. I can bring things up for you, or you can take
a flashlight."
Customer: "Oo, I'll take the flashlight."
(Several minutes later, he emerges with a pile of volumes by William Gibson et
al.) "Do you take credit cards?"
(The Haunted Bookshop) "May
I spend the night?" [more than once]
"Is this like a free library or something,
can we just take the books we like?"
"Have you read all these books?"
"I
don't know what the book is about, or who wrote it or anything, but I had it in
second grade, and it had a picture of a duck on the front, do you have some copies
of it?"
"I have a very rare book, Ihad it in biology in high school in the
Eighties, and it's a real antique, I think I can sell it on eBay for more than
$50."
(Bookmark) Customer:
"How much are the free books outside?"
(Magpie Books)
Witnessed
at an old established second hand market bookstall: small child grasps a book
and shows it to Mummy, who roughly takes it off child and puts it back on shelf,
saying "Come on, we'll get you something useful like a dolly".
(Amused but
despairing librarian) Customer
- "You had a book in the window about a month ago. It had the colour orange
on the cover. I would like to buy it please".
It took a while but we
found it!
(The Orchard Bookshop) Customer:
"Have you any books on Kines?"
Me: "Sorry, books on what?"
Customer:
"Kines"
Me: "Kines? I'm sorry, I'm not sure what that is". Customer:
"All kinds of kines".
Me: Looks blank.
Customer: In frustration
pulls money out of his pocket and holds out the coins and repeats "all kinds of
kines!"
(gsmith) Heard
outside the old Edinburgh Bookshop on George Street many years ago -
Chap
in houndstooth: "Hang on while I nip in here". Other in Original Barbour:
Oh! You're not going to buy one of those are you? Not one of those novel things
like 'Animal Farm or something? Oh no!
(NMB) Customer:
Do you have a Health and Beauty section? My Assistant: Yes madam . You
are looking at it! (I don't suppose he looks all that bad ....)
(Forset Books) Browser:
How much is this?
Me: £2.00
Browser: But it's outside
Me:
It was £8.00 when it was inside
Browser: Well, I'm not paying £2.00
for a book that's outside!
(Inprint) One
day last week, a well dressed, middle-aged couple came into the shop, walked round
the ground floor rooms without stopping, and as they walked out, the woman turned
to the man and said - "It's full of old books." What do the se people expect from
a secondhand bookshop? Oh for a trapdoor over a pit of starving crocodiles!
(Gordon
Hill, Bowdon Books) We
get a lot of foreign students, many whose accents are sometimes difficult to understand.
However, one of my more trying times (and embarrasing) was with an English girl.
She came in asking for books by Gino Stein. It was not an author I recognized.
I asked the subject matter and she said novels, so we looked in fiction (arranged
alphabetically) I could not find anything, and said we did not have anyth ing
b y him. She was obviously frustrated and said the author was a female, Gino Stein.
So I looked again in the "S" section and pointed out we did not have anything.
Quite mad by now she was yelling GINO STEIN, GINO STEIN, spelling it out J-A-N-E
A-U-S-T-E -N, GINO STEIN. We found "Gino's" books then.
(Curious Book Shop)
Customer:
I need all these titles by Valdameer NahBackoff.
Me: Vladimir Nabakov?
Customer:
No, Valdameer NahBackoff.
Me: I take the list, find Lolita, Ada, and
several others on her list. I hand them to her and she looks them over very carefully.
Customer: I don't want this guy, I want VALDAMEER. She leaves without
any of them.
(Morwyn) Essex
Girl: I don't know
what to get my Daren for 'is birthday.
Posh one: well, how about a
book?
Essex Girl: Nah! es got a book
(Shawn P)
Do
you have Shakespeare in English?
(Asa) Yes,
the price on the cover is less than the price marked inside. That is because it
was published TWENTY YEARS AGO.
(Dorothy R) An
older lady came in looking for a present for her grandchild. She told me that
her grandson was a very advanced reader, that he had already read all the Harry
Potter books, and he was only in the 3rd grade. I made several suggestions of
other popular children's books, from contemporary series, such as The Series of
Unfortunate Events, to classisc such as E. Nesbit's Five Children and It. Each
suggestion I offered she nixed, saying it was "too difficult" or "too subtle."
I guess she didn't have much faith in her grandson's reading ability after all.
(Jeff)
A
small child eagerly shoves a brightly colored children's book at his mother only
to be told, "You already have a book at home."
(Uniwolf Books) On
asking at a garage sale if there were any books available, the owner replied:
" Books??? You mean, like, to read??? No. We don't have anything like that." She
sounded shocked that anyone would ask. I guess TV is enough for some people.
(Margo)
Customer:
Which version is better; hardcover or paperback?
(Feldspar) Twenty
pounds! Oh, I couldn't spend twenty pounds on a book...
Heard outside the shop
window: "What do you want to buy a book for?"
(Inprint) On-line
customer about a book listed on amazon: "Is this book for sale?"
(Rick) Customer:
"I am looking for the Uncle Remus stories, the one with the tar baby".
Me:
"Well, I have a very nice early edition of Joel Chandler Harris's Uncle Remus."
Customer: "No, I don't want *that* one; I want the *original* one.
I want the one by Disney!"
Me: I paused, took a breath, sold him the
Disney version and then, once I had his money, politely explained the difference
between Joel Chandler Harris and Disney. He left educated and happy.
(Keele's
Books) You've
a wonderful selection of books in here! Something for everyone!' She then left
without buying anything - obviously not a wonderful enough selection!
(Forest
Books)
When
folks ask if I rent books, I tell them yes, certainly, for a non-refundable cash
deposit...
(Steels Books) Teenage
boy, looking at a shelf of Dickens, "Boy! He's sure got a lot of books out!" And
a different teenage boy, also looking at a shelf of Dickens, "I think he stinks!"
whereupon my husband replied, "That's a shame, I understand he speaks very highly
of you."
(Velma)
Male
customer: "I know there can't be such a book, but I was sent by my daughter
to buy UP THE DAMN STAIRCASE". And a female customer wanted "SWISS FAMILY
ROBINHOOD".
(Velma) Woman
walks into bookstore and asks "Do you have any foreskin paintings"
(Karl Armens) Nicholas
Basbanes was in town to sign his latest book, so I enquired at the information
desk of a large bookstore, "Do you have 'Patience and Fortitude'?" and before
I could tell him the author's name, he replied, "Not working here"!
(Ben Earnest,
Owlsnest Books) Customer
(a young man): "How
are your books arranged?"
Me: "They are alphabetical by author.
Customer:
"Is that by first name or last name?"
(books@bibliomania) Customer
asked for a book on "Suffragettes". Assistant goes to shelf and comes back saying
"I am sorry we don't have anything like that in the books about aeroplanes"
(kalamosnooks) We
once asked a customer why he kept buying books he already had, some as many as
10 times over. His reply: "Because I'm a very silly man!'
(Any Amount of Books) (this
one guaranteed at least once a week) Lady rushing into the shop ... "Have you
seen my husband?"
(Forest Books) Lady
Customer: Is Mr Baines in?
Me: No Madam - he owns the other shop
just 20 yards down the road.
Lady Customer: Oh! Then is this a bookshop
as well? (she's only surrounded by shelves and shelves of over 20,000 books ...)
(Forest Books)
"Do you have Pooh Sticks by A Milne?" To my
shame I just couldn't remember which of the Pooh books the story comes from, but
placing both volumes on the counter, I suggested the customer leaf through them
to find it. Without a word, she turned on her heal and marched out of the shop!
(Inprint) Mother
to son: "What do you want another book for? You've got one at home!"
Couple
enter the shop: "Can I leave my husband here whilst I visit the hospital
for an appointment?"
((robert@rdfb) Customer:
"I'm looking for a book"
Seller: (at the end of a long day, picking
up pad and pen) "Really, Madam? When and where did you last see it?"
(unclephilsbooks) "Do
you have a copy of 'Hamlet', by (checks reading list) W. Shakespeare?" ~ Somehow
that "W" really got me. Just in case we might have some cheap imitation Hamlet
by George Shakespeare...
(astrolib) Customer:
"Do you have this political book by some famous communist? It's red."
Seller:
"You mean 'Quotations From Chairman Mao', by Mao Tse-Tung?"
Customer:
"I dunno. Is he a famous communist?"
(astrolib) One
young reader once asked for a copy of "The Lion, The Witch, and the Warzone" which
frankly sounded like a more interesting book than what I ended up selling him...
(safeharborbks) I
was once asked by a student for a copy of Tolstoy's "Lord of the Rings." I suggested
the authoritative Tolkien translation.
(safeharborbks) Customer:
(inquiring about two brand new regional maps): "How much are these?"
Seller:
"The prices are printed right at the top there." Customer: "Oh, that's
the price? But I could get it for that much at the store."
(musebook) Customer:
I want to sell you my old computer books Answer: I'm sorry, but we're not
purchasing computer books now
Customer: But I want to sell them to
you.
Answer: I'm sorry, but we don't sell computer books here.
Customer:
I don't care if YOU sell them, I want YOU TO BUY MY BOOKS
Answer: ...sigh..
(turtlecreekbooks)
Customer:
Where is that green book with the sailing ship I saw in the window last monday.
Shopkeeper: I sold it yesterday.
Customer: That is not very
nice of you, as I wanted to buy it.
(appiesurf) This
happened to me in Eton, many years ago:
Self: Excuse me, how much is
this book? Seller:(muttering) The prices are inside.
Self: Sorry,
but I can't find it.
Seller: (enraged) Get out! We don't want your
sort in here!
Self: (leaving) I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were
ill.
Loud laugher from American tourists.
(fcsteadmanjones) Surprisingly
common "What books have you got?"
(Anon)
more
droppings
Time
may have moved on but the book trade and its customers remain as idiosyncratic
as ever and if our experiences at INPRINT
are anything to go by, the remarks are just as amusing and worthy of recording.
So, if you have any 'droppings' you would like to share, send them off to us in
the form below and we will publish them on site.
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