More Droppings - absurd remarks made by customers and of course, bookshop owners. You can add your droppings here.

Customer - 'You had a book in the window about a month ago. It had the colour orange on the cover. I would like to buy it please'.
It took a while but we found it!
(The Orchard Bookshop)

Customer: 'Have you any books on Kines?'
Me: 'Sorry, books on what?'
Customer: 'Kines'
Me: 'Kines? I'm sorry, I'm not sure what that is'. Customer: 'All kinds of kines'.
Me: Looks blank.
Customer: In frustration pulls money out of his pocket and holds out the coins and repeats 'all kinds of kines!'
(gsmith)

Heard outside the old Edinburgh Bookshop on George Street many years ago -
Chap in houndstooth: 'Hang on while I nip in here'. Other in Original Barbour: Oh! You're not going to buy one of those are you? Not one of those novel things like 'Animal Farm or something? Oh no!
(NMB)

Customer: Do you have a Health and Beauty section? My Assistant: Yes madam . You are looking at it! (I don't suppose he looks all that bad ....)
(Forset Books)

Browser: How much is this?
Me: £2.00
Browser: But it's outside
Me: It was £8.00 when it was inside
Browser: Well, I'm not paying £2.00 for a book that's outside!
(Inprint)

One day last week, a well dressed, middle-aged couple came into the shop, walked round the ground floor rooms without stopping, and as they walked out, the woman turned to the man and said - 'It's full of old books.' What do the se people expect from a secondhand bookshop? Oh for a trapdoor over a pit of starving crocodiles!
(Gordon Hill, Bowdon Books)

We get a lot of foreign students, many whose accents are sometimes difficult to understand. However, one of my more trying times (and embarrasing) was with an English girl. She came in asking for books by Gino Stein. It was not an author I recognized. I asked the subject matter and she said novels, so we looked in fiction (arranged alphabetically) I could not find anything, and said we did not have anyth ing b y him. She was obviously frustrated and said the author was a female, Gino Stein. So I looked again in the 'S' section and pointed out we did not have anything. Quite mad by now she was yelling GINO STEIN, GINO STEIN, spelling it out J-A-N-E A-U-S-T-E -N, GINO STEIN. We found 'Gino's' books then.
(Curious Book Shop)

Customer: I need all these titles by Valdameer NahBackoff.
Me: Vladimir Nabakov?
Customer: No, Valdameer NahBackoff.
Me: I take the list, find Lolita, Ada, and several others on her list. I hand them to her and she looks them over very carefully.
Customer: I don't want this guy, I want VALDAMEER. She leaves without any of them.
(Morwyn)

Essex Girl: I don't know what to get my Daren for 'is birthday.
Posh one: well, how about a book?
Essex Girl: Nah! es got a book
(Shawn P)

Do you have Shakespeare in English?
(Asa)

Yes, the price on the cover is less than the price marked inside. That is because it was published TWENTY YEARS AGO.
(Dorothy R)

An older lady came in looking for a present for her grandchild. She told me that her grandson was a very advanced reader, that he had already read all the Harry Potter books, and he was only in the 3rd grade. I made several suggestions of other popular children's books, from contemporary series, such as The Series of Unfortunate Events, to classisc such as E. Nesbit's Five Children and It. Each suggestion I offered she nixed, saying it was 'too difficult' or 'too subtle.' I guess she didn't have much faith in her grandson's reading ability after all.
(Jeff)

A small child eagerly shoves a brightly colored children's book at his mother only to be told, 'You already have a book at home.'
(Uniwolf Books)

On asking at a garage sale if there were any books available, the owner replied: ' Books??? You mean, like, to read??? No. We don't have anything like that.' She sounded shocked that anyone would ask. I guess TV is enough for some people.
(Margo)

Customer: Which version is better; hardcover or paperback?
(Feldspar)

Twenty pounds! Oh, I couldn't spend twenty pounds on a book...
Heard outside the shop window: 'What do you want to buy a book for?'
(Inprint)

On-line customer about a book listed on amazon: 'Is this book for sale?'
(Rick)

Customer: 'I am looking for the Uncle Remus stories, the one with the tar baby'.
Me: 'Well, I have a very nice early edition of Joel Chandler Harris's Uncle Remus.'
Customer: 'No, I don't want *that* one; I want the *original* one. I want the one by Disney!'
Me: I paused, took a breath, sold him the Disney version and then, once I had his money, politely explained the difference between Joel Chandler Harris and Disney. He left educated and happy.
(Keele's Books)

You've a wonderful selection of books in here! Something for everyone!' She then left without buying anything - obviously not a wonderful enough selection!
(Forest Books)

When folks ask if I rent books, I tell them yes, certainly, for a non-refundable cash deposit...
(Steels Books)

Teenage boy, looking at a shelf of Dickens, 'Boy! He's sure got a lot of books out!' And a different teenage boy, also looking at a shelf of Dickens, 'I think he stinks!' whereupon my husband replied, 'That's a shame, I understand he speaks very highly of you.'
(Velma)

Male customer: 'I know there can't be such a book, but I was sent by my daughter to buy UP THE DAMN STAIRCASE'. And a female customer wanted 'SWISS FAMILY ROBINHOOD'.
(Velma)

Woman walks into bookstore and asks 'Do you have any foreskin paintings'
(Karl Armens)

Nicholas Basbanes was in town to sign his latest book, so I enquired at the information desk of a large bookstore, 'Do you have 'Patience and Fortitude'?' and before I could tell him the author's name, he replied, 'Not working here'!
(Ben Earnest, Owlsnest Books)

Customer (a young man): 'How are your books arranged?'
Me: 'They are alphabetical by author.
Customer: 'Is that by first name or last name?'
(books@bibliomania)

Customer asked for a book on 'Suffragettes'. Assistant goes to shelf and comes back saying 'I am sorry we don't have anything like that in the books about aeroplanes'
(kalamosnooks)

We once asked a customer why he kept buying books he already had, some as many as 10 times over. His reply: 'Because I'm a very silly man!'
(Any Amount of Books)

(This one guaranteed at least once a week) Lady rushing into the shop ... 'Have you seen my husband?'
(Forest Books)

Lady Customer: Is Mr Baines in?
Me: No Madam - he owns the other shop just 20 yards down the road.
Lady Customer: Oh! Then is this a bookshop as well? (she's only surrounded by shelves and shelves of over 20,000 books ...)
(Forest Books)

'Do you have Pooh Sticks by A Milne?' To my shame I just couldn't remember which of the Pooh books the story comes from, but placing both volumes on the counter, I suggested the customer leaf through them to find it. Without a word, she turned on her heal and marched out of the shop!
(Inprint)

Mother to son: 'What do you want another book for? You've got one at home!'
Couple enter the shop: 'Can I leave my husband here whilst I visit the hospital for an appointment?'
((robert@rdfb)

Customer: 'I'm looking for a book'
Seller: (at the end of a long day, picking up pad and pen) 'Really, Madam? When and where did you last see it?'
(unclephilsbooks)

'Do you have a copy of 'Hamlet', by (checks reading list) W. Shakespeare?' ~ Somehow that 'W' really got me. Just in case we might have some cheap imitation Hamlet by George Shakespeare...
(astrolib)

Customer: 'Do you have this political book by some famous communist? It's red.'
Seller: 'You mean 'Quotations From Chairman Mao', by Mao Tse-Tung?'
Customer: 'I dunno. Is he a famous communist?'
(astrolib)

One young reader once asked for a copy of 'The Lion, The Witch, and the Warzone' which frankly sounded like a more interesting book than what I ended up selling him...
(safeharborbks)

I was once asked by a student for a copy of Tolstoy's 'Lord of the Rings.' I suggested the authoritative Tolkien translation.
(safeharborbks)

Customer: (inquiring about two brand new regional maps): 'How much are these?'
Seller: 'The prices are printed right at the top there.' Customer: 'Oh, that's the price? But I could get it for that much at the store.'
(musebook)

Customer: I want to sell you my old computer books Answer: I'm sorry, but we're not purchasing computer books now.
Customer: But I want to sell them to you.
Answer: I'm sorry, but we don't sell computer books here.
Customer: I don't care if YOU sell them, I want YOU TO BUY MY BOOKS
Answer: ...sigh..
(turtlecreekbooks)

Customer: Where is that green book with the sailing ship I saw in the window last monday.
Shopkeeper: I sold it yesterday.
Customer: That is not very nice of you, as I wanted to buy it.
(appiesurf)

This happened to me in Eton, many years ago:
Self: Excuse me, how much is this book?
Seller:(muttering) The prices are inside.
Self: Sorry, but I can't find it.
Seller: (enraged) Get out! We don't want your sort in here!
Self: (leaving) I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were ill.
Loud laugher from American tourists.
(fcsteadmanjones)

Surprisingly common ­ 'What books have you got?'
(Anon)

A customer walks in, looks around at the bookshelves surrounding them, then turns to me blankly as they utter, "So what is it?". Sigh!
(Lea Mazzocchi)

"I only collect brown books."
"The Light Brigade made less ridiculous charges."
"Why do you want a book; you've already got one?"
"I'm looking for Oliver Twit."
(Ricardo Coche)

The browser said "Have you got any books on freesias?" I referred him to the gardening section. He returned after several minutes, looking perplexed and said "No, freesias what you put food in."
(Ricardo Coche)

Bookdealer to queue - jumping customer: "I'm sorry but you'll have go to the back of the queue." Customer "I went there to begin with but found the position was already taken."
(Ricardo Coche)

"Books! I used to collect books." "Do you collect anything now?" "Yes,(in broad Suffolk accent) toys." "What sort of toys ... Dinky toys?" No, TOYS what you put round your NECK!"
(Ricardo Coche)

A Gentleman just left our shop after spending about forty minutes closely examining the shelves. Throughout he was carrying what appeared to be a section of railway sleeper - presumable to prevent him from buying anything - it worked.
(Mor Books, Isle of Skye )

Child picking up a Dickens first edition - 'look mum £150 - you could buy a sky dish for that'....another no sale!
(Boz Books)

Customer: I want potato peeler and plastic bags (repeats twice)
Bookseller: Is that a cookery book ?
Customer: No I want a potato peeler and plastic bags- this is the hardwear shop isn't it ?
(Boz Books)

The classic, which is a regular occurrance is 'but this book costs more than when it was new, that can't be right!'
The two responses are:-
1) You can pay me with 1933 pennies.
2) So does your house!
(River Reads)

Customer: have you go any books on windows? Computer savy assistant: Would that be 95 ,98 or 2000 madam?
Customer: Well, our house was built in the 50's, which one would you recommend!
(Darren Bell)

Wife over her shoulder to her husband, who is perusing a racy 1970s paperback with (as I recall) a topless nun on the cover: 'The woman next door won't like it if you buy that...'
(Roy B)

Overheard whilst I was selling at a school book fair. Boy: (aged around 5): Can I have this book, Mum? Mother: What do you need a book for? You can't read!
(Amanda)

'Do you know all your books?'
'How much are all your books?'
'Where do you get them all - for instance this one?'
'You are not going in there!' (Often heard from the street.)
'You can go in there but don't buy anything'.
(Mercat Books)

Customer: Do you rent out books in here?
Bookseller: Er no. You could try the library? Down the road?
Customer: No! I want THIS book. But I don't want to BUY it. I just want to rent it. You really mean to say I can't rent out a book, I have to buy it?
*Bookseller quietly moves away*
(Anon)

Customer: Do you have a copy of the complete works of Edger Allen Poe?
Bookseller: We should do! Have you tried in classics. Customer: Yes but I am not sure who worte it.
(Anon)

'A few Saturdays ago, a young woman came into the shop, followed by her parents. They stood, transfixed, in the doorway, whereupon the young woman said 'It's books'. I said 'Yes, we try to be helpful by having it written across the front of the shop. May I help you in any way?' She turned round to go out, saying 'We've gorra buke at 'ome. Is it a bible?' - give me strength!!'
(Gordon Hill, Bowdon Books, Clitheroe)

'I received a telephone call from an elderly lady who was selling a 'signed' Bible. On further enquiries as to who had actually signed it I was told in no uncertain terms 'the author of course!' '
(John D. Staley Fine Books)

'These prices must be wrong. This book is thinner than that one and that one's only £6. This one says it's £8, but it's thinner. It's wrong, isn't it?'
(hgilma)

Student walks into antiquarian bookshop. 'Do you have a copy of THE IDIOT by Homer?'
(bjarnetokerud)

'Oooh look dear, 'Roggets threesaurus' we've been looking for that for ages!
(Halloweenbooks)

Time may have moved on but the book trade and its customers remain as idiosyncratic as ever and if our experiences at INPRINT are anything to go by, the remarks are just as amusing and worthy of recording. So, if you have any 'droppings' you would like to share, send them off to us in the form below and we will publish them on site.